Things I Thank my Mom and Dad For...

the crow-rat is coming for you

First and foremost, I thank you for making me get my driver's licence right away.  I was a horrible driver, and I still remember my Dad smacking his forehead as I exited the entrance of the DMV on my road test.  I probably (definitely) should have failed, but then the rules changed and I already had my ticket and never had to go through the chicken dance of having my "N".  I have adult, educated, independent friends who still cannot shake that horrible letter.  I would also like to thank you for paying for that tow truck after I drove over that cliff in a friend's car, and not killing me when I backed your car up the driveway and maimed the side brutally and still drove away because I knew you were watching and that this was probably the last time I would borrow the car.  (It was.. they still won't let me drive it.)

I would like to thank my Dad for telling me, as far back as I can remember, that I would become "the first thinking woman".  The dubious feminism of this statement is so wonderfully offensive and hilarious that it stayed with me forever, and I got your meaning, eventually.  I still think about it as I cry over the newest episode of Grey's Anatomy while cooking dinner and folding laundry.

I would like to thank my Mom for making me copy dictionary pages to improve my abhorrent penmanship.  My vocabulary improved so much that my girlfriends used to tease me to "speak English" because I used words they did not understand.  (Looking at you, Kelly!)  If only my penmanship had improved, the exercise would have been a complete success.

I thank you both for getting me Mokey, our cat, even though you found out shortly after that the neighbours were not actually planning on putting her down.  She was an awesome friend for 18 years and a good huntress.  Leading into...

Thank you for letting me keep and raise and sometimes inoculate the rats, snakes, baby birds, and other sundries Mokey brought home.  I still feel there is a group of wild, inoculated super rats out there waiting for the Rapture.  You have 10 year old me to thank for that one.  You're welcome.  Also, the crow with the broken wing we fed crackers and water to until he was nursed back to health?  How many kids had a motherfucking crow!?!  All kinds of awesome up in here.

I thank you you letting me do murals of dragons and castles on my wall in pencil.  Okay, maybe you didn't let me so much as found out too late, but now that I have children I am aware of the near impossibility of removing a full wall, expertly shaded pencil mural (or even repainting - the stuff rejects coverage like nothing I've ever seen.)

I want to thank you for dressing me in brown corduroy, 70s style flowered blouses, and later, mismatched neon socks.  That shit was dope.

I am a good parent because of you guys, and I thank you for giving me the higher bar to achieve.  I hope my children get some of the same experiences.  Now I must part, for it is time to maim a crow so my children may share my experiences.