Things Life Has Taught Me.

Wearing smaller clothes actually makes you look bigger!! I don't know how, I don't know why, but I now know it's true.  Ten years too late.  For examples of how wrong this can go, please see peopleofwalmart.com .  The map is really fun to use, and the southern states are magnificent.

When you're 17 and camping with your family and a friend (We shall call her Kelly), and Kelly suggests filling a thermos full of one shot of every liquor in both your parents liquor cabinets, and it sits in a tent in August for 3 weeks before the coast is clear enough to drink it, and you do, and you pass out on the beach in the sun afterwards, it is a bad idea.  We're talking Baileys, all the clear liquors, many colours of schnapps, wine, brandy, overproof vehicles of death and destruction, and blue curaco.  (Thingy on the bottom of the "c"?  Anyone?)  The colour it turned upon further fermentation has not been named yet, and the resulting chunks in it should have been a sign... but heck, we were 17.  We knew everything.  I still chalk this up as one of the top 3 mistakes of my life.  (The other two involved a tattoo and a large snake, respectively.)

Silly Putty always, no matter what, bonds with the nearest high-pile carpet.  I truly believe it comes alive in the night and seeks it out, falls in love, and bonds with it forever.  Seriously, the stuff is worse than chewing gum.  It is now a "banned substance" in our home.  (Other banned substances include ant farms and rubber bouncy balls that seek out the china cabinet.)

Here's a good one... you have a lovely group of friends assembled for dinner, the sides are nearly ready, and the roast/chicken/meat course is cooking way to slow for some reason!   (The reason is life sucks sometimes.) You can shove that sucker in the microwave for 10 minutes.  I'm serious.  Then throw it back in the oven.  Crispy, juicy, and much less salmonella-esque!

Never cut your own bangs or the bangs of those you care for.  It's just wrong, unless you're a trained professional.

If you spill your purse or bag in front of someone who is attractive, tampons will fall out.  Even if you're a man.

Hugging a child fixes nearly everything in life.  (Maybe even everything, but I'm not about to go head to head with life just yet.  I know that bitch can hear me.)

Debt ceases to be a worrisome thing once you owe more dollars than days you've been alive.  Eventually you get so deep it becomes laughable.

Black food colouring is the most permanent dye on the face of the earth, and on that note, do not let your daughter scratch under her nose with some on her finger.  It looks bad, and even more so in a multicultural area.

Stolen cookies taste better than earned cookies.  Both taste better when dieting.

Nobody's face photographs well upside down after 30.

If the dress is tight before the 11 course meal, for goodness' sake, do not wear it out.

If you're drunk enough to think you're an awesome dancer, You Are Not.

Karaoke is not for the sober.

Wine tastes better in a darkened closet.

To consider yourself successful in life, one needs only to lower their expectations.  ( My impression of Confucius.)

If you think the milk might be bad, do not take a swig from the jug.  Even as I type this permanently to the internet, I know I will do this again and again throughout my life.   Slow learner.

The Facebook links with cute kittens, dads who walked in on their daughters, omg wtfs, etc, should never be clicked on.  It just embarrasses us all.  I mean, do you really need to know??? Do you?

I'm sure there's more things I have learned throughout my life, but I have forgotten them for now.  Until next time, my 4 dear readers! (lolz!)