Things which should have never been said.

I shall divide this into two sections:  Things which have been Said to Me, and Things which I have Said.  (I'm perfectly aware of my abuse of Caps Lock here, and I don't care.)

Things which have been said to me:

Last year, at the bus stop, an elderly lady looked me up and down, smiled sweetly, and said, "How far along are you honey?"  I sucked in a breath through a locked jaw, steadied myself, and replied, "I'm.  Not.  Pregnant."  (Sweet smile back.)  Whereas most sane people would have the decency to look away, embarrassed, or even apologize, this woman persisted.  "You've had kids though, right?  At least 2.  I can tell from your belly."  Whaaaaaaat?  I promptly went home, threw out the dress I was wearing, and thought about doing sit-ups for a few days.  (They never materialized.  Sometimes just laying down is half the battle... sitting back up can wait till next year.)

(As I volunteered to run my son's school cakewalk on 1 days notice after the managing parent had something come up) "Oh, thanks for your swift response, but we're looking for a parent who's been involved with the school longer."  There is so much between those lines, as it was the grade 1 cake walk, so the majority of the parents could only have been involved for about 2 years, as I was, barring older siblings.  What they meant, was someone who was active in the PAC, went skiing in the winter and picked up their kids from school in LuLuLemons with a light sheen of sweat on their botoxed faces.  (Yes, I'm bitter, because I would have RULED the cake walk.)



Things that I have Said:

(Yesterday, to my 5 year old at a festival when I realized she had foregone underwear):  You... didn't put on underwear this morning?  (Nooo, mommy, I forgot.)  Well, just keep your legs closed today, alright?  (I didn't expect to say this to my daughter till she was at least 15.)

What do you mean you lost a slug?  In the house?  (No sign of a trail, and slugfried von slimebucket never materialized.  The nice thing about organisms made mostly of water is that they eventually just evaporate, or so I am choosing to believe.)

(To fighting children)  To the Death!!  Only one of you gets to come back down those stairs!

(In the bathroom)  Oh My God!!!  Who's sick?  Who did this??  (Panicking now)  Oh wait... is that the chicken gravy I tried to flush earlier?  Never mind, s'okay. Phew.

Get yourself a snack.  Anything, I don't care.  Mommy's having Me time.  (This is of note as a sad turning point in my life.. I was folding laundry at the time.  Me time used to involve margaritas on a patio in the afternoon.)

Well, yes, she's "Mean Grandma", but you can't call her that to her face.  That's just what mommy calls her.  (Not you, mom.)

(When my son was 3)  I know you like sticks, but you cannot, repeat, CanNot, say that at school.  (the sound "st" was a hard one for him, so he replaced it with a "D".)  Also:  this anomaly made the joke "What's brown and sticky? -A stick!" Much more hilarious.

(From my dear friend J)  My kids are grazers, so I just make sure to throw healthy food on the floor.  (Bless your heart, dear.)

That's it for now, i'm sure this list will grow over time as my children both start full time school in September and I hope to catch up on sleep (Ha!) thereby restoring my memory... does it work that way?  Please?